Meeting our Egg Donor

Written by Melissa, former Intended Parent with The Donor Source

Continued from Volume 4 Issue 6: "A New Year's Wish"

… We chose Chelsea as our donor on New Year’s Day 2007.

One detail of the profile we didn’t consider significant at the time of our donor selection was whether or not the donor was willing to meet with us or any children that may result from our arrangement. I couldn’t have imagined that it would ever be an important detail to us…

As it turned out, once I was pregnant and the situation became more tangible, I felt so grateful to this woman for helping us. To some degree, I wanted to have a “real” person to thank and to associate with our success. I felt very strongly that facing the mystery head on would make it less powerful. If I could meet her, hold my head up high and feel grateful, then I wouldn’t be able to feel like I had somehow failed in this major part of my life. I think some people may feel that if they don’t talk about something, it will just go away. This wouldn’t have been the case for me; it would have been my dirty little secret, always nagging at me.

When my husband and I met our donor in a café, I was already pregnant with twins and a little nervous. The donor agency sent a chaperone to maintain anonymity for both parties, which was nice mostly because she helped to break the ice. It was so wonderful to meet our donor, Chelsea, in person. We heard about her life, her interests, and how she spends her time. We talked about books and music, her major in college, and how she likes to rock climb. She was young and pretty, very charming and just what we would wish for our children to become. She commented on our similar appearances, which I felt added validity to our donor selection. At the end of the meeting it was great to have an actual person to think of in relation to the process.

At 27 weeks, I had an emergency C-section. Our baby boys were born at 2 pounds, 5 ounces and spent the next 3 months in the NICU. It was a very scary time, but as has been their pattern from before conception, our miracle babies pulled through with no issues. We spent everyday with them, holding them, feeding them and providing as much care for them as was allowed. In their room we posted a picture of them as embryos before the transfer so the nurses could marvel at the miracle. There was a picture of Chelsea right beside it. I was 37 and it had been five years since we started out journey into assisted reproduction.

Three months later we brought our beautiful boys home. They came home a few weeks before their actual due date. It seemed unreal that they were still supposed to have been inside of me, but here they were at home with us after such a long, intense ordeal.

I was a little sad that I had missed out on the end of my pregnancy. After working so hard to get there, I really loved being pregnant. Sure, there were times when it was uncomfortable and it was getting harder to maneuver my growing shape, but it was such an amazing experience to carry those two babies. There was truly never a moment that I felt they were anything less that 100% mine. I am grateful to Chelsea for her contribution, we surely wouldn’t be here without her, but there is no doubt about who our boys’ “mommy” is.

Life with our boys is so much fun. They truly are the light of our life, as well as that of their grandparents and great-grandparents. The boys’ unique conception is common knowledge for our family, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances. Neither my husband nor I felt the need to keep it private. It would have been virtually impossible to keep it a secret with all of the time off work, travel, and planning involved. We joked that if we didn’t tell people the truth, they would have thought that one of us was terminally ill because we had to travel to so many doctor appointments in the city. Even though people know the truth, it rarely comes up in conversation, or even in our thoughts. Someday we will tell our boys the story of their miracle conception.

Now our boys are almost a year old. We wanted to introduce them to Chelsea for a couple of reasons, and I’m not sure I can even explain why exactly. For one thing, I wanted her to see what an amazing thing we had done. I really think of this as a team effort, with her as a member of the team. I couldn’t imagine that she wasn’t curious about them and wouldn’t be totally awed. Who wouldn’t want to see their genetic contribution? In retrospect, I think subconsciously I wanted to make sure that there wasn’t some connection between my babies and their donor. Logically, I knew that there wouldn’t be, but emotionally maybe a little part of me just wanted confirmation? We met Chelsea again, a year and a half after our initial meeting, in the same café, again with our same chaperone, but this time, with our sons in tow.

We had a great visit together. It was very cathartic to have everyone together. She said she saw bits and pieces of herself in each of our sons, and she thought they were happy, well behaved little boys, but it was obvious she wasn’t in “baby love.” As expected, she was polite and sweet as she had been at our previous meeting. I hope the meeting with all of us gave her a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment at her contribution, as well as an understanding of our feeling of appreciation.

The process of choosing and meeting our donor was such a positive experience for us. There is absolutely nothing my husband or I would have done differently. Meeting Chelsea was a vital part of this process for us. Though I realize everyone is different, I would encourage all donor recipients to consider meeting their donor. I don’t think I can adequately express the dynamic that our relationship with Chelsea has brought to the experience. It has been irreplaceable.