A New Year's Wish Part I

Written by Melissa, former Intended Parent with The Donor Source

I stopped trying not to get pregnant when I was 26. Two years later I was still not pregnant. I assumed it would just happen, but when it didn’t, my family doctor prescribed Clomid. After several rounds of Clomid and still no luck, it was recommended that I see my gynecologist. Getting to the doctor for a diagnosis wasn’t at the top of my priority list. My husband and I were busy with our business, our dogs, our life; it didn’t seem like a huge rush. And I wasn’t really worried because I was still under 30 and none of my friends had kids. I had plenty of time, or so I thought. When I finally made it to the doctor and it was determined that there were no obvious physical issues standing it the way of pregnancy, I was immediately referred to specialists for further investigation. They diagnosed me with advanced ovarian aging. After the first round of in vitro was cancelled mid cycle, due to ovarian cysts, my doctor told me it would be best to abandon my quest to get pregnant unless I had unlimited “emotional and financial resources.” I was 32.

If I had gone directly to another fertility clinic after I received that diagnosis, things might have gone differently. Instead, I tried to forget about the diagnosis. Then I decided that surely this was something I could change – diet, exercise, supplements, acupuncture, yoga for fertility. I did everything I could find that offered any hope of success. When I finally did go to another fertility clinic, it was indeed too late.

At age 35, my options for getting pregnant were now limited to using donor eggs. Of course, adoption was always presented as an alternative, but I had always seen myself being pregnant. Acquaintances who were adopting couldn’t figure out why that route was not acceptable for me. They felt that with a guarantee of success through adoption, why would we take the chance of in vitro with a donor when it may not be successful? The success rates normally quoted for donor cycles are in the 65-70% range, which we felt were great.

I really could not imagine living my life and never having been pregnant. It was an experience that I had looked forward to since I could remember and felt I could not do without, regardless of the emotional or financial costs. The search for a donor began.

When my husband and I began researching donors, we looked at pictures and read profiles online. We looked at several donor agencies and lots of donor profiles. We really tried to keep our search local, but sometimes a donor from across the country would interest us. In the end, the logistics and finances seemed so much more manageable if we could keep things, if not in our state, then at least in a nearby state. I really battled over which qualities were important to us. Looks? Personality? Values? Interests? All of the above?

I was tormented by what it would be like to have a child conceived with donor eggs from a donor who looked like me. Would it be more honest to myself and the world if I choose a donor who didn’t look like me? I imagined future scenarios in which someone would comment that the child looked just like me. What would I say? Would it be a lie if I didn’t explain that no, the child didn’t actually resemble me, but instead the donor who coincidently looked like me?

In the end, we decided we would make our final donor selection after the holiday bustle on New Year’s Day 2007. We had several donors picked out. Ironically, our final choice Chelsea was not one of those we had initially chosen. I printed out a few profiles and pictures for final review on January 1st, but all of them seemed to have something about them that wasn’t ideal. My husband suggested we go through our donor options online one last time. That was when we found a perfect donor - a great combination of family resemblance, values, and interests. We chose Chelsea as our donor on New Year’s Day 2007.

To be continued...